‘Kids’ invade local coffee house

You just know that somebody, somewhere, had to be thinking it real hard if not actually saying those precise words when it all went down.

 “Honey, have you seen the kids?”

To which, a usually reasonable response might be, “Oh, they’ll be back shortly. They ran down to the coffeeshop to grab a bite.”

Still, things were anything but “usual” last Wednesday, June 23.

“We have kids around our shop almost all the time,” says Amy Bishop, proprietor of the Shinerville Coffee House. “But these weren’t your average, run-of-the-mill kids. In fact, they made for some rather unusual visitors at our shop that day.”

Unusual, indeed, for in the middle of town, the middle of the afternoon, the middle of the workweek, a pair goats came wandering up to her coffeeshop door, nibbling on her potted plants as they peered in the windows with curious goat eyes to see what they could see.

She had no idea where they came from. Or, more importantly, where they needed to get back to before they became a hood ornament for some unsuspecting driver in town. 

Given their propensity to wander about—or, simply wander off, as they plainly had here—Bishop began to worry over their safety, especially with her shop just one block from the busiest street in town, a road often filled with heavy truck traffic that, even at city limit speeds, can be hard to bring to a quick and sudden stop, the sort you’d have to make to keep those lop-eared boogers from turning into grill guard cabrito, anyway.

So, though it pained her do so—especially since they weren’t hurting anybody, paying her a visit like they did—Bishop said she had to put in a call to the pokey.

That’s right, the Five-Oh. The fuzz. The men and women of local law enforcement.

I would have given anything to be a fly on the wall for that conversation.

“I’m sorry, ma’am, did say you had a couple of BOATS at your shop? Do they have somebody blocked in or something?

“No, no, goats. We have GOATS at our shop.”

“Look, this isn’t another one of those alleged Bigfoot sightings, is it? Because that’s cute, how you incorporated them into your shop and all, but... Well you understand, I gotta ask, right?”

“No, that’s perfectly OK. I understand. Totally.”

“Well, how did GOATS wind up there? They get out of somebody’s pen or something?”

 “I was hoping maybe y'all could tell me.”

Then, dispatch would no doubt have to relay all her information along with whatever other details they may have gleaned, to one of their Boys in Blue, out in the field. 

On that day in particular, the call was answered by Shiner Policeman Chris Kalina.

And, also without doubt once more, I’m willing to bet some of those same conversations would likely take place again, or at least some reasonable facsimiles thereof.

For instance: "Did you say TOTES? What do they want ME to do about it? I figured a bunch of ladies would probably like that sort of thing."

Or: "Yeah, it is getting awfully warm out for a bunch of COATS to show up unexpectedly. Can’t blame her. I’d probably want them gone myself." 

Or, better yet; "Did you say MOTES? How’d they get there? Wait a minute. This ain’t another one of them Bigfoot sighting things, is it?"

Then there’s also the possibility that a bunch of stray OATS showed up instead, which I imagine would be a real pain for somebody to have to clean up. Unless, of course, you had yourself a big ol’ bunch of GOATS come by and…

I could probably keep at this all day if they’d let me.

Still, I’m betting Officer Kalina was taken somewhat aback, spotting a bunch of goats running about unchecked. 

In the middle of town, no less. The middle of the afternoon. The middle of the workweek.

Probably a bit of a letdown, too, considering anybody with a police scanner these days, over the course of any given hour, will likely hear about all these pulse-pounding high speed car chases taking
place somewhere out in the countryside. Or, illegals bailing from stolen vehicles by the carload, so they can play hide-and seek-with their arresting officers. Or, the many reasonably large drug busts coming out of so many ordinary traffic stops of late. 

All taking place in the middle of town, middle of the afternoon, middle or the workweek, when that lunch you likely ate is starting to settle heavy in your stomach and that summer heat is creeping ever higher, making you feel a mite nappy as you drive past that same empty swing set at the park once again, much too hot already to be much of a plaything for vacationing school children, or past that same empty dancehall or school building for—What is it now? The 16^th time that day? Seventeenth?—it’s hard to keep count some days, I’m certain.

Plus, knowing he’d have to drive a drove of goats—or trip, if you’d prefer, perhaps even a flock—to destinations yet unknown surely must have made Officer Kalina appreciate the fact he’d spent all those many long months in police academy, preparing for that precise moment. 

Undeterred, however, he took up his mantle, gathered his small tribe—another word for “bunch of goats”—and headed the direction from whence they came, finding their owner just a couple short blocks away.

All’s well that ends well, as they say. And all in a day’s work, as only Shiner could provide.

Leave it to Kalina to surprise even me, though.

“You know, that wasn’t the most unusual animal I’ve ever been called on to deal with in the line of duty,” he said, obviously baiting me.

Really? Well what would you say WAS your most unusual then?

“Let’s see… Um... Well, I’d say that would probably have to be a beaver,” he said.

Where on earth did you cross paths with a beaver?

“When I worked with sheriff’s department in Gonzales,” he replied.

What, did Buc-ee have one too many caramel logs from his store or something?

“No, it was out by the river, and the landowner needed it gone. You know, those little critters are surprisingly strong for something their size…”

I can imagine. You know, you thought some before answering that question about your most unusual animal. What else was there?

“All sorts, really,” he said. “Cattle are pretty standard. I had to catch a baby possum once. And one time, I even had deal with a donkey. It all comes with territory, working in small town.”

And you'll never believe this: He had picture, too...

With that, I better sign off, too. 

Because just imagine all the possibilities—the many puns, synonyms and turns of phrase I might have had at my disposal—had this story involved, say, a donkey instead. 

Showing up at a coffee house, no less. 

In the middle of town. 

Etc., etc…

On second, thought, it’s probably a good thing it wasn’t a donkey because I probably would have made a real... Um… Well, yeah... 

I’ll stop now. Safer that way…

We at the Gazette appreciate everyone being such great sports (because, believe it or not, we sought out blessings from all involved, before ever a word was written, knowing we’d likely have a little fun in telling this one, blessings they all graciously gave, by the way). That’s truly rare, especially in today’s world, and we couldn’t be happier to be part of a community that doesn’t mind a laugh or two, now and then.. As a writer, it’s more of a blessing than you realize. So, from all of us to all of you—both those who make Shiner their home, and all our visitors here for the Half Moon Holidays—have a wonderful Fourth of July and stay safe! As someone who has plenty of “kids” of his own to keep track of, here’s to seeing all y’all this weekend. Prosit!

(Originally published in The Shiner Gazette, Thursday, July 1, 2021, by Bobby Horecka, Managing Editor)